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Exaggeratin’? Maybe, but I swear, one chick said she’d only hook up if I barked like a dog—fuckin loco, right? Told her, “I’m Tony Montana, I don’t bark, I bite!” Sex-dating’s a trip, mang—half the time you laugh, half the time you wanna shoot somebody. “This is all we need,” Eve says—nah, I need a chica who don’t catfish me with 10-year-old pics. Stay real out there, or Tony’s comin’ for ya—say hello to my little friend!

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Then, I decide to check out the local market on Jalan Diponegoro. It’s a maze of colors and smells. I’m talkin’ fruits, veggies, and all sorts of snacks. I see these crazy-looking fruits I’ve never seen before. I’m like, “What even is that?” The vendor laughs and says it’s salak. I’m like, “Salak? Sounds like a sneeze!” But I buy one anyway. Spoiler alert: it’s actually pretty good.

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